Respite care: to rest or not to rest? That is the question; and the only answer!

By Wal Warmington

After decades of providing informal care, and over the last 3 years being an officially registered carer, l feel l’m at a critical stage of my life within my caring responsibilities. Through attending a local Headway Support Group and then registering with Birmingham Carers Hub, l have gained a useful and significant understanding of the ‘carer ecosystem’ and the myriad of support groups, activities, advice and guidance available to me in a local, regional and national level.

I have come to really value and learn much from hearing from fellow members of our Headway Support group where the varied practical and pragmatic responses to complex needs reflects carer’s in action who display determination, patience and courage, amidst being permanently challenged. Our discussions are sometimes coupled with anger, disappointment and bitterness about the systems that hinder progress and so affect the quality of care being given. However the group offers not just support but a sense of perspective, humour and practical ideas as we share and reflect on the caring relationships we are trying to manage.

From this network I recently had the opportunity to take part in a Carer’s Weekend Retreat two months ago and, looking back, can still identify a number of benefits that flowed out of that space. Being familiar with residential work from my professional work life, the prospect of this weekend was different in that this formal invitation gave me permission to take part. Amidst the blurred lines and busyness of caring for close loved ones it is often easy to feel guilty, or even selfish, about doing something for yourself.

In deciding to attend it felt like an objective first step in recognising the need to take time out to relax and focus on my own self-care.
With a programme that included Meditation, Yoga, Tai-Chi, Arts and Crafts and short walks, I appreciated the opportunity to take part, slow down and to enjoy and benefit from a range of creative activities on a social, emotional psychological and physical level.

These restorative body, mind and spirit activities were further enhanced by having delicious wholesome meals cooked for us and the time to appreciate food in a non hurried way; it was over these meal times that I was reminded again of the joy of food but also ‘eating mindfully’, in a way that allowed me to savour the combination of flavours but also aided my digestion!

Looking back, alongside these mealtimes and participating in the various activities with a large diverse group of Carers from varied social and cultural backgrounds, I am also conscious of how affirming the whole experience was and how much I learnt from listening to other people’s experience of caring. There was, and remains, a helpful benefit in realising that you are not alone and that there are hundreds, thousands (in fact millions!) of people providing care for others in their own unique ways. Transcending the challenges and difficulties of looking after another person or many people is often mundane, routine and physically and emotionally exhausting. The normalised experience of providing such care, and its debilitating effects, can often go unnoticed and this is where retreats, either alone or in groups, can have such beneficial outcomes. For me the benefits centred on:

· feeling valued and affirmed in my role through recognising and acting on my need for a break, in a guilt-free way;

· being out of my usual routine and experiencing how liberating that was even for a weekend;

· listening and learning from the experiences of other carers and regularly marvelling at how Carers have lived through traumatic life events and continue to show courage and determination in bringing and maintaining dignity for those they care for;

· another benefit was being reminded of the importance of drawing on support in a strategic way from family and friends should or when they offer practical help;

· benefiting from remembering again that, whilst caring might be highly personal and so personalised within specific varying contexts, it is also political in the sense that it comes at a cost which is both hidden and very evident. The financial cost of care and caring (or so called ‘social care’) is regularly discussed within our national politics by way of trying to ensure more equitable outcomes. However for me and my current situation, and no doubt for numerous others, it is the unseen effects or costs to our health and well-being that is often overlooked amidst our caring activities. So to safeguard our health and capacity to sustain our caring efforts I have come to more deeply recognise the benefits of retreating and taking time out.

Whether programmed or simply ‘doing nothing’ l now see a self imposed discipline of my own respite care as being crucial and the foundation around how I sustain myself. If we fail to rest there’s an increased likelihood that our own health may suffer and lead to further complications in our ability to care for those we care for. In loving those we care for it is a welcome and necessary act of self-love to simply stop and REST. So resting in order to carry on is vital for me as l seek different places where l can be renewed and restored in order to re-engage and re-enter into the relational dynamics of those I care for.